love letter to our little one

Today we had our first ultrasound. We were so excited to see you for the first time! How many ultrasounds have we had in stress, checking for cysts and other problems, and this time, this JOY in waiting to see you. Walt prayed with me before the doctor came in. We could hardly wait.

Then he finally came in, and started looking for you. He couldn't find your little heartbeat. In fact, he couldn't find you at all, just a little circle "yold sack" where you are supposed to be. He told us how his wife had 4 miscarriages, and how they have three kids. He told me 20% of pregnancy's in women my age end in miscarriage. He told me your chances were 50/50.

He printed off a little fuzzy black and white picture of you. Only you aren't there yet. They said it could be too early, but I know they don't think so.

I don't know what God has for you and me and your Daddy. I only know that we love you so much! You already own our hearts. Every day we pray for you. I eat for you, sleep for you, laugh for you, and today we cried for you.

I know God gave you to us. I know He is the one who made our little miracle baby. I laid on the floor and cried out to Him today to take care of you, to save you. I asked Him to hear my prayer once again, to add it to the prayers of Hannah and Elizabeth and Sarah and Rebekkah.

When we struggled to have you and couldn't ever get pregnant, I often thought "We don't deserve this! It isn't fair!!" But when we found out about you, I realized that we don't deserve you either. You are a miracle and a gift from God, as is every single child on the earth, and none of us deserve to have the priviledge of loving you and raising you.

If today was the last time that I get to see you, then I am thankful that today God gave you to us. Every day that you live inside of me is one more miraculous day. Every day I love you more, and I thank Him for giving you to us. And every day I will do my best to take care of you and hold onto you so tight.

And when you are a teenager, and you think I'm too protective and overbearing, I will have you read this and hope you understand how much you are loved, prayed for, and blessed.

And if God takes you home before then, I know He will hold you and whisper in your ear how much your mommy loves you, until I get to hold you and tell you myself someday when He makes everything ok.

Please don't go, little one. I know heaven looks so good, so much better than this world. But we love you, and we'll do our best to take good care of you. We need you here, little one.