anniversary of waiting

Today marks one year and 5 months of waiting for a child. Well, technically I've been looking forward to having children for 31 years. I've been having trouble trusting lately. This struggle to have a baby has been one of the most difficult times of my life. This month I had been so hopeful...it's been so long since I've let myself have hope. Yesterday I spent most of the day crying after two negative pregnancy tests. Poor Walt. He's been so good with me through all of this.

We've been through so many tests...starting with my surgery and diagnosis with endometriosis last May. My doctor says he's going to put me on Femara next. I'm worried about it...it's actually a drug for women with breast cancer, but has been used to help with ovulation. I've also read it's linked to high incidence of birth defects if taken while pregnant. (At my last appt. the doctor assured me that it's safe, and actually has less incidence of birth defects than clomid.)

It's so hard to know what is the right thing to do. Yesterday I would have started the adoption process...it's just that small matter of money (roughly $30,000.) And we just aren't ready to take that step at this point.

So, who are the kids in the picture? Roque & Malik, two of the neighborhood kids who've adopted us. God is definitely teaching us something about children...even without "our own."