God is so good, and He is so faithful. It's amazing the way he's taking care of all of our needs...even when we hold onto our worries so tightly and refuse to let them go.
This past Sunday was one of those days. We got to church late and somewhat frazzled, and sat in the back. The service was Christmas music, and even that is difficult for me to hear right now...I never realized how many songs are centered around children at Christmas. Not to mention my "Mary envy." Is it a sin to be jealous of Mary and the fact that she carried a child, not to mention the Savior? Undoubtedly so. Add that to my jealousy of every pregnant woman, parent, etc., and I'm in trouble.
So, the sermon started, and we're on a series about miracle. The preacher began by talking about unmet expectations, and went on to talk about he and his wife and their kids being almost grown, and how they were ready to be out of diapers and have some freedom, and then they take a pregnancy test and it's positive.
Now, the church is cracking up at this story, and I admit, if I weren't a basket case, I would have been chuckling with them...but instead I feel tears streaming down my face. Tears of anger, and bitterness, and anguish. The more he talks about this baby of theirs, and the difficult pregnancy, the more I cry. Then he goes on about miracles, and how we need to ask God for them first. And as I sit there I realize that I need to leave...I'm crying and crying and can't seem to stop, and I'm afraid I'm going to start sobbing loudly at any moment. I walk out, down the hall, and outside. One of the campus pastors saw me and followed me out. Poor guy...he's new there, and trying to comfort a distraught woman over baby issues. He prayed for me, then left me to cry (smart move...knowing when a woman just needs to cry.) Eventually I went back inside, only to run into the baby cart, and then men with their newborns, all out in the lobby. I went back inside the sanctuary. And there was my precious husband, head in hands, praying for me.
Later I checked my voicemail and my dear friend Lisa had called at exactly the same time. She said she had walked into their church and they had just started singing, and she suddenly felt overwhelmed and started crying for me and for Walt and had to leave, and called me to tell me she felt called to pray for us, and for healing.
Lord, thank you for sending Lisa to tell me that you are hearing my prayers. Even if they haven't been answered yet, thank you for listening to our tears and the groaning of our hearts. Forgive us when we don't trust you.
Today my friend Brandy sent me this passage, it was so encouraging. I need to remember this when I question why the drug addicts and alcoholics and abusive parents seem to effortlessly have child after child...and not fret about it.
Passage Psalm 37:3-8:3
Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
4Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.
5Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
6And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.
7Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.
8Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself--it tends only to evildoing.
This past Sunday was one of those days. We got to church late and somewhat frazzled, and sat in the back. The service was Christmas music, and even that is difficult for me to hear right now...I never realized how many songs are centered around children at Christmas. Not to mention my "Mary envy." Is it a sin to be jealous of Mary and the fact that she carried a child, not to mention the Savior? Undoubtedly so. Add that to my jealousy of every pregnant woman, parent, etc., and I'm in trouble.
So, the sermon started, and we're on a series about miracle. The preacher began by talking about unmet expectations, and went on to talk about he and his wife and their kids being almost grown, and how they were ready to be out of diapers and have some freedom, and then they take a pregnancy test and it's positive.
Now, the church is cracking up at this story, and I admit, if I weren't a basket case, I would have been chuckling with them...but instead I feel tears streaming down my face. Tears of anger, and bitterness, and anguish. The more he talks about this baby of theirs, and the difficult pregnancy, the more I cry. Then he goes on about miracles, and how we need to ask God for them first. And as I sit there I realize that I need to leave...I'm crying and crying and can't seem to stop, and I'm afraid I'm going to start sobbing loudly at any moment. I walk out, down the hall, and outside. One of the campus pastors saw me and followed me out. Poor guy...he's new there, and trying to comfort a distraught woman over baby issues. He prayed for me, then left me to cry (smart move...knowing when a woman just needs to cry.) Eventually I went back inside, only to run into the baby cart, and then men with their newborns, all out in the lobby. I went back inside the sanctuary. And there was my precious husband, head in hands, praying for me.
Later I checked my voicemail and my dear friend Lisa had called at exactly the same time. She said she had walked into their church and they had just started singing, and she suddenly felt overwhelmed and started crying for me and for Walt and had to leave, and called me to tell me she felt called to pray for us, and for healing.
Lord, thank you for sending Lisa to tell me that you are hearing my prayers. Even if they haven't been answered yet, thank you for listening to our tears and the groaning of our hearts. Forgive us when we don't trust you.
Today my friend Brandy sent me this passage, it was so encouraging. I need to remember this when I question why the drug addicts and alcoholics and abusive parents seem to effortlessly have child after child...and not fret about it.
Passage Psalm 37:3-8:3
Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
4Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.
5Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
6And He will make your uprightness and right standing with God go forth as the light, and your justice and right as [the shining sun of] the noonday.
7Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.
8Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself--it tends only to evildoing.
1 comment:
Reading this entry, I have never heard you sound more like Hannah Saundra. Sobbing, & a man of God approaching you just like Eli did to Hannah. Thankfully he didn't think you were drunk. I loved the part God had Lisa play, letting you know that He is hearing every petition of your precious heart. I love you dear friend. ~Wendy.
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